this one takes awhile, but i think it's worth it

for those of you who don't know, i work in the family business. and that business is an assisted living home for seniors, more specifically, seniors with alzhiemers and/or dementia. not a day goes by that i don't get compliments from someone saying how i must be a special person to accept that calling, and i get alot of people who just sigh, smile and say " i could never do that." and although i do admit it is a special calling that not everyone is cut out for, i also want people to know that i am no saint. there are still those days when my patience isn't as strong as it needs to be.
there are times when a residents repetition for nearly an hour straight of the same word drives me up a wall.
spending each and every day with these people, there are plenty of times when i forget that they are in our home for a reason, and because maybe they had a good week, but i start to expect too much from them, only to get disappointed or frustrated when that moment has passed and they aren't helping to feed themselves, or their memory isn't quite as clear and i end up telling them the same thing dozens (literally) of times.

probably the toughest time i have had since starting this last year has come more recently with the addition of our newest resident. she is a wonderful woman, with a heart full of love for God and everyone around her, whether new friend or old.
she has been a challenge because the other residents either, are never actually "with it" OR they have cycles where they are "with it" or they aren'nt, whereas she is a blended personality. in the middle of a normal discussion, she will throw in something completely off key, whether it be about her parents and then she believes she's a teen or if its about a christmas tree that is lying on the bed that needs new white lights.

so it's already difficult because it's easy to lose her, but she also has a sharp wit and will remember something you promised her from two days earlier. it's more difficult because when they are having a clear day you sometimes give them more credit for comprehension then they should receive and then it's tough when they slip out of it and you know you've lost that window into the "real them."

so after the commercial break i'm going to let you in on the earth shattering lesson that i was taught by God and an elderly woman. we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

ok i realize that might be completely tasteless, but if you are reading this then you already know my sense of humor and i find it hard to apologize.

anyway, so this new lady came from her own home where she had private care duty. one of these knuckle heads told her that whenever she needed anything to just bang her hand on the arm of her chair, or table if she had a meal in front of her. basically just bang and make noise and we'll be right there.
1st off, that is just stupid.
2ndly, if it was one on one care....where in the hell was the caregiver that she wasn't around this lady so and needed to be summoned?
3rdly this became her way of getting attention for the better part of 3 years.

so now that she lives with us we are trying to break her of this habit because it leaves bruises on her, it hurts her hand, it's disruptive to the other residents and she can't control it, she had a stroke leaving her left side paralized and so her only good hand often ends up sore and swollen. also, now she has to share attention with 4 other residents and i think she is used to all the attention being focused on her, so sometimes she will bang and bang even when we tell her we are busy with someone else and will be there as soon as possible. the heartbreaking part about the banging,is that she hates doing it and wants to stop but she can't. this is where the teaching of chris comes in.

so basically, we can't just keep her restrained 24/7 so there are times after times when she will be beating the crap out of herself, and i will walk in and say "hey, hey , hey, you're gonna break your hand. you can't do that."
to which she will reply "oh, i know, it hurts so bad."
"well, ok bette then why don't you stop doing it ok?"
"yes i will promise i won't do it ever again. i know it's wrong"

mind you , this is an example, we have this identical conversation usually a few times each day. so my telling her what's good for her, her agreeing, her going against it and then my asking her why she does it and her not knowing, but knowing it's wrong. so you can imagine there are going to be times when patience is in short supply, and one day when i was really busy and she had been smacking her bare leg repetitively i rushed into her room and strongly told her "bette! why do you keep doing that when i tell you it's wrong, when i tell you it hurts you, and you even agree and know that it's wrong?! i'm trying to help you and you just keep doing it over and over and we both know how bad it is for you."

honestly, i don't even remember what her response was because the next thought that ran through my head was.......
"crap"
i immediately pictured God watching this scene unfold, knowing all the emotions involved in this womans care day in and day out and how hard it is for us to see her do this to her self. and then the instant that i speak those words it hits me, and i visualize God nodding his head, knowing that i get it, and then clasping his hands together behind his head, and putting his feet up on the desk and almost saying to himself, but more to me.....
"yep, now you know how i feel"

and i do. i struggle so hard with a teenage and college years addiction to pornography, with foul, foul, language, and with my temper. these are all burdens that i carry still today and fight every moment, some days i win the battle, and some days ...not so much. (and if there are things i struggle with that i failed to mention, please don't feel it necessary to point them out!!, i know there are more i was just touching on a few ;-) )

and i know they are wrong. almost everytime that i do something that i know is wrong, i will say to God and myself, that i know that was stupid, and it's not who i am or who i want to be and i will never let it happen again.
but we all know it happens again, that's the downside to a loving God's grace that offers forgiveness of all sins, the downside is that we continue to sin! but the upside far outweighs that, his forgiveness erases all those failures, but it still hurts Him, and it still hurts us.

so there is just another in the endless stories of God taking a point that we can't grasp for ourselves and putting it up on a stand so we walk face first right into it! but i'm glad he does. sometimes it's the only way i learn.

so everytime since then, when i have struggled with whatever it may be, or maybe i'm getting frustrated with someone else's struggles, i picture that conversation with that 80+ year old woman, with her left side paralized, with alzhiemers and this addiction to smacking her hand, and my arrogant thoughts of how it shouldn't be that hard to stop, and i wonder then......
who's really crippled?