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The Anti-Christ Watch
Donald Miller, Jordan Green


(Editor’s Note: Yeah, we’re taking a week off from the General Article business. Please keep enjoying Don and Jordan’s thoughts on the next anti-Christ. And tell your friends!)

We’ve caught it, and we’ve got it bad.
Apocalyptic fever.
Speculating on the identity of the anti-Christ may have reached its peak a few years back with the Left Behind series and the blockbuster film, “The Omega Code”, but we’re still keeping a vigilant eye on political and cultural rising stars. We wait and watch for candidates to advocate marks on our forehead, or to launch nukes at Israel. Many theologians believe the visions John wrote of in Revelation pertain to the Roman Empire, but that’s no fun and doesn’t give us the satisfaction of knowing we’re right and everyone who’s wrong will pay. Dearly.
This is Burnside’s rundown of anti-Christ possibilities. The last thing we want is to be caught unawares. Or unaware.

The Front Runners: Armageddon is Upon Us
Barak Obama

Be afraid: Obama is handsome and the ladies love him. He appears intelligent, charismatic, friendly and is a dynamic speaker. And what is worse is he’s a Democrat. Obama went to Russia in 2005 to check out military bases where WMDs were being stored, and may have discovered a way to launch said weapons at Israel. This single trip connects the Senator to weapons that may be used against the country we evangelicals rub as a Biblical rabbit foot. Add to this that Slate.com’s Timothy Noah has a supposedly tongue-in-cheek blog about Obama entitled “Messiah Watch”, so now we have secular media referring to him as a kind of Christ. We would also like you to note Barak Obama’s middle name is Hussein. That name sounds a bit Arab, doesn’t it? Some of you may believe Obama is actually a Christian. He himself claims that he was baptized at Trinity United Church of Christ. That said, he talks about his faith in a non-“Jesus told me to kill these people” sort of way. This makes him suspect. The true anti-Christ will no doubt champion peace. It’s not the “Jesus told me to kill people” crowd we are worried about, it’s the leaders who can’t hear this obvious voice of God. And it bears repeating that he is handsome. He is very handsome.
Why you shouldn’t worry: He’s almost too obvious a pick, and Obama doesn’t have enough political experience to be the anti-Christ. He can only be the anti-Christ if he ends up being nominated by his party, and the chances of that are slim. But if he does get the nod, he is back atop the list, we assure you.
Bono
Be afraid: He owns a castle in Ireland. A castle, for pete’s sake! Bono is very adept at controlling large crowds, as he does it for a living. The most chilling evidence? Relevant Magazine is on to him.
Why you shouldn’t worry: Bono has done more than any other public personality to bring attention to the AIDS crisis in Africa. At one time, that would’ve put him atop the anti-Christ list, but lately evangelicals have been using that cause to make themselves look fashionable. We also believe if Bono were the anti-Christ, the quality of U2 albums would’ve gone up over time, and that has not been the case. Also, some see The Edge and Larry Mullen Jr. as angels sent to keep an eye on Bono. The anti-Christ would not have humble minstrels surrounding him.
We are a bit suspicious of that Adam Clayton character, though. He was arrested fifteen years ago for possession of the demon-weed.

Jerry Bruckheimer
Be afraid: Makes a lot of crappy movies, including a film titled “Armageddon”. He also lives and works in Hollywood, a region that espouses the supposed positive characteristics of the Democratic Party. That is the kind of influence the anti-Christ will certainly have whispering into his ear.
Why you shouldn’t worry: Bruckheimer produces “The Amazing Race”, which my parents love. He also has very little discernible talent.

Dr. House
Be afraid: House is almost superhumanly smart, and is very good at manipulating those around him. His cane could be a secret sword, like in that movie, “Blind Fury”. He also has no appreciation for rules and authority.
Why you shouldn’t worry: House is probably a fictional character.

The Second Tier: Check Your Banned Automatic Weapons Stash

Urban Meyer (Head Coach of the Florida Gators football team)
Be afraid: Meyer has turned every team he’s head coached into pure gold. Utah went undefeated and Florida won a national championship. He was also the wide receivers coach at Notre Dame from 1996 to 2000, which is certainly frightening because those people are Catholic.
Why you shouldn’t worry: He is coaching a team in the South. God would never have the anti-Christ come out of the Confederacy. Until Meyer starts coaching the New England Patriots or Seattle Seahawks, he’s okay. If he coaches the Dallas Cowboys, he becomes a saint.

Jon Stewart
Be afraid: All the liberals love him and he provides news to an entire generation of stoners and snooty intellectuals. Stewart is able to pick apart the absurdity of political spin, cutting to the supposed truth of any situation. This is not a bad thing, but he tends to use this ability against conservatives more than liberals. Some might say that the current administration is the equivalent of an uber-slow pitching machine launching beach balls at comedians who stand around with their bats smoking cigarettes, but this is absurd. Stewart and his team are working overtime to find anything funny about what our leaders do. There is absolutely nothing funny about accidentally shooting a man in the face because he looks like a bird. Nothing.
Why you shouldn’t worry: He is Jewish. That takes him out of the running. Case closed.

Dick Cheney
Be afraid: Cheney has a lesbian daughter.
Why you shouldn’t worry: While Cheney is a supposed black hole of hatred in which no light or joy can live, he is also the Vice President of the United States, which is the greatest and most Christian nation in the history of the world. He was the CEO of Halliburton who now provides the American military (read: God’s military) with food and guns and disposable toilet seat protectors. If that wasn’t enough, he had a cameo in the film “Die Hard with a Vengeance” which is a terrific spiritual allegory about what Jesus will look like in the End Times. He has a remarkable sixth sense for justice, even going so far as shooting an old man in the face that was wrongly pretending to be a bird. And lastly, he isn’t going to be around long enough to take over the world.
It’s Possible: Because No One Expects It

Katie Couric
Be afraid: She’s a woman. Women leaders usurp the natural pyramid of authority established by God in the Bible.
Why you shouldn’t worry: She’s a woman. The anti-Christ will rule with a scepter.
Chad Gibbs
Be afraid: Chad worked at a museum for medical supply history, giving him intimate knowledge of how to kill people. And a museum for medical supply history is certainly a front for something. (Stem cells, legalized marijuana, the whole bit.) We also saw him mention once that he enjoys hunting “the greatest prey of all”. When I asked him what that was, he jammed his finger against my lips and whispered, “Shhhhhhh…”
Why you shouldn’t worry: We are working on this.

Chris Martin of Coldplay
Be afraid: Martin is described as “Bono-lite”, and he talks a lot about “making trade fair” whatever that is. He also wrote a song called “The Scientist” which supports the dark art of science.
Why you shouldn’t worry: He’s still “Bono-lite”, had an awful haircut for his last album, and married Gwyneth Paltrow, which doesn’t seem like something the anti-Christ would do. Relevant Magazine remains suspiciously silent on the subject.

John Petroski
Be afraid: He wrote this article for the Central Connecticut State University newspaper. Petroski claims the piece was satirical, making it the least funny and most soulless bit of satire ever written.
Why you shouldn’t worry: After his disgusting article, Petroski has only a slim chance at a future in politics, journalism (except maybe in the No Spin Zone), and no chance at a job anywhere else.
It’s Not Likely, But Load Up On Canned Foods Anyway

George W. Bush
Be afraid: We couldn’t think of a single reason.
Why you shouldn’t worry: When 75% of the country disapproves of the job he’s done, we know that the other 25% are his evangelical base, who do not judge a President by his accomplishments, but by whether or not he holds a Bible Study in the White House. Bush still does. It fits between his morning session of watching television and his afternoon ritual of reading the comics.

Hillary Clinton
Be afraid: She’s running for President, is a Democrat like Barak Obama, and knows politics like the back of her machine-like hand. She wears pantsuits. She was once married to Bill Clinton, best known for manipulating and having a sexual affair with that innocent angel Monica Lewinsky, proving to the world that he has a scepter.
Why you shouldn’t be worried: We just can’t see an angry crowd of Arabs getting riled up against Israel with Hillary at the podium. We’re trying, but we can’t.

The cop that pulled Jordan over for expired tags
Be afraid: Granted, I’ve been driving with expired tags for the last three years, but he didn’t have to shine his car light right into my eyes. And $300 worth of tickets solely for expired tags? I mean, come on!
Why you shouldn’t worry: If I’m being honest with myself, I was the one in the wrong, driving around with expired tags for three years and whatnot. That’s kind of what happens when you’re broke and irresponsible. Also, the cop was reasonable. He told me I can get my registration done and the fines would be dropped. But still, you never know.